My Ghost of Christmas Past
My visit with the ghosts of my past, present and future…
We are all on a journey in life to understand our personal power. We will demonstrate in a thousand different ways how we feel about ourselves through our actions, the clothes that we wear, the way that we speak, and how we carry ourselves. With false bravado we can become someone else for a short time, but nature has cunning ways of revealing our true selves.
I recently had my old video tapes of my children digitized. I was so excited to receive them that I paid extra for the privilege of getting them before the holidays! If you were watching these videos you might be surprised to learn that I have four children as most of the footage contained scenes of the oldest, my beautiful Christmas baby. I have tons of photographs to document the early lives of the other three, but I am guessing that my time of being a videographer greatly diminished as did my energy level when the needs of my family outweighed my desire to be creative. This, however, was not the most astonishing thing to be discovered when revisiting my past.
I was SHOCKED, and I mean SHOCKED to hear my voice. When looking at old photographs or watching home movies, we all might say that we can’t believe how young we looked, or how weird our sense of fashion was back then, but for me, I winced at my accent. My southern drawl was more of a draaawelll. My high pitch echoed that of a little girl, and I was in my mid-twenties! This aberrant form of myself had to be investigated. Who was this woman so willing to practice self-abasement that she quite literally adopted a different voice? I read an article on Bustle.com “why do people adopt accents? 6 things you should know about wandering accents.” There are various reasons that this can happen, but the one that struck me was wanting to fit in with the people around you. Adopting their accent is a way we show others that we are like them. It is normal to mimic words and mannerisms of those we are most intimate with as a way of subconsciously belonging, but I think I took it to the nth degree!
When I interviewed for my first job at 23 I felt quite glamorous, having just come back from a stint abroad. During that amazing adventure I danced with heartbreak. When I returned to the United States, I took a job and fell into another relationship. My inability to bear witness to my pain propelled me headfirst into that relationship and within two years, I married that man and started having babies. I poured myself into his world as was my nature. Go big or go home, right? I can look back now and see a definite beginning to the end of my marriage as I struggled to maintain my own identity and cultivate my own interests that would eventually impact my self-esteem. That woman and I are not the same person, and when I finally gave up trying to be her, my husband and I no longer resonated. This is but one example of what can happen when we hide our true nature. A mask simply isn’t sustainable for the long haul. When I think back to those years I really didn’t set myself up for success. My desire to please others ran roughshod over my feelings leaving me emotionally bankrupt. Once married with four kids my self-worth became wrapped up in four little guys who were not adept at giving Christmas bonuses and an ‘at a girl’ when I needed them. I suppose my spirit left my body and I ran my life on autopilot for many years. It took a crisis to loosen my grip on that reality and my strong desire to reconnect to my spirit to live in my present.
I have now found my way to my own unique resonance, and it stays pretty consistent. I no longer say one syllable words in two or more syllables. And that high pitch created by anxiety, has settled into a normal range between 165 to 265 Hz. I make it a point to have girl time and do things that stimulate my curiosity. When I start to people please, I can now feel the resistance in my body, and I pull back, even when others disapprove. Taking care of myself has renewed my faith in my future.
We can only attract the experiences that are meant for us, when we are being our true selves. When we spend time pretending to be what others want or need us to be we are delaying our life plan. During this holiday season we might be tempted to put the emphasis on creating an experience for the people we love so much that we forget the one person who needs our love the most. For years our inner child has been there waiting for her turn patiently, or maybe even screaming from the top of her lungs (with an accent that makes your skin crawl), to get our attention in hopes of making Christmas magical for her. Indulge her. Remember that when our heart is full we hold the energy to heal our past, create joy in our present and find hope for our future. Joyeux Noël.